That drags up more shame than she'd expected. She doesn't regret letting Abby go, because someone's gotta take care of that kid. She does regret it, because it's not fucking over. It'll never be over. She doesn't, because Joel. She does, because...

Ellie has been in enough foxholes to know atheists are everywhere. But in the darkness of a lonely night, her lungs don't exhale contrition.

"No," she says. "Let her go after she bit off my fingers."

The lives of all her friends and dear ones, well, she still doesn't want to think about that, about the shape of one's stomach, full with the failed promise of life.