returnjourneylogs | one is the loneliest number

Entry tags:

one is the loneliest number

Passengers: Rhys and Claire
Location: Claire's cabin
Date: March 6th
Summary: sad trombone
Warnings: none

[ It admittedly takes him a little while to notice Volks absence.

When Rhys wakes this morning he goes through his usual routine: shower, shave, dress (though his good shirt is getting that stale smell, and he has unfortunately had to settle on one of his new, horrible shirts) breakfast... it's by the time that lunch rolls around that he clues into something being amiss.

He doesn't look very hard, but it's not like Volk could have gone far. Not in the dorms, not at the mess hall, not in his usual spot in the library. What cements it is his name being absent from the housing list.

So Rhys is feeling A Way. A way he doesn't really want to be alone with, not if can go and unload it on another person, and option that wasn't there last time he felt like this.

Knock knock Claire, he needs someone to be sad around. ]

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Are you going to be offended if I say it means you have a heart? No one gets used to loss without losing part of what makes them human.

[Claire Fraser, a big fan of men being in touch with their emotions despite compartmentalizing anything and everything she can.]

I'm more offended that you thought I didn't have one? I'm not a monster, I'm better than that. I'm not-

[ Jack.

He hates how much the thought of him has come up recently, thought he was past all this. At least the emotional part of it. Jack would be a hard lesson he took in stride, a stepping stone to better things. A blueprint of how not to be.

But Jack had ended up alone, too. Had died that way. Rhys didn't want that...but he doesn't want this kind of pain either and it keeps happening.

He sits back again, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes and presses hard until he starts to see patterns behind his eyelids. ]

I'll get over it.

You have a heart. I like that about you. I simply don't know you well enough to know if pointing that out will send you running for the hills. [Running for the stars? Claire shrugs.] Or, if bringing up that I'm glad you came to talk to me about this won't make you squirm out of your seat.

[It's being vulnerable, and people don't tend to enjoy that.]

[ He doesn't enjoy it!! He's not here for joyful reasons! He doesn't know why he's here in the first place.

No, no this sucks. There's a way to get through these feelings sooner, a way he's relied on every time someone's hurt him like this. ]

He wasn't even that good a friend.

[ He sits forward again (he's going to give his neck whiplash at this rate...) hands braced on the seat below him. ]

He was a dick, and would pick fights with me over everything- you know it's his fault Williams so mad at me? Hitting him over the head? Volk's idea. The whole escape plan was like, eighty percent his idea!

[ No reason not to snitch now, with him gone. At least he can clear his name a bit on that front. The least the specter of Volk can leave him as a parting gift. ]

[She sees you trying to cope, Rhys.]

Really? It was mostly his idea, and you just... agreed?

[Sounds smart.]

It was-

[ Both our idea, Volk wasn't the smart one of the two or anything. He wasn't the big brain genius with Rhys, the dutiful follower. But the idea of outing Volk here is to absolve himself of some of the blame, not the other way. ]

I'm not going to give him all the credit for the parts of the plan that actually worked. But brining Travis and Jack on board, hitting William over the head? Volk's ideas.

Those were very bad ideas. I'm sure he got a kick out of you getting into trouble for listening to him and the mess the others fueled.

[She sighs as she regards him, quiet then for a moment.]

How do you feel about William, Rhys?

He...actually seemed sorry about it. But...

[ Who knows. Assuming the worst, once again the easier path. Thinking about him laughing at Rhys being stuck in solitary will miss him less.

He gives the next question more thought than Claire might expect, because the answer is: complicated.

From the moment Rhys arrived and was assigned to him, William had acted like he knew him, like they had history, despite him not even having Rhys's file. He'd make statements and assumptions that weren't untrue, but said with a kind of confidence that put Rhys on edge.

But up until Meodriotope he hadn't been bad to Rhys. Being weirdly presumptuous hadn't been a crime. Hadn't been enough to hit the guy in the head over. He feels like shit about it.

It's like with missing Volk, though. Focusing on the negative, on the spite, is way easier than facing that guilt. Is way easier than admitting the plan was shoddy from the start, that he tricked someone undeserving into a mild concussion. The idea had been he wouldn't have to face these consequences because he'd be gone, but now William regularly reminded him of it.

Stupidly, he says: ]

How do you think? He lectured me, took my stuff and rubs it in every chance he gets.

Volk seemed sorry about the mess, maybe. The failure.

[Too bad he's not around for Claire to ask. She thinks she'd get honest answers from him, as she thinks she can get out of Rhys. He seems to like her enough, trust her enough to come over here and talk--it's better than most of the inmates. Hell, some of the wardens, too. Even if she might need to coax him in the right direction.]

I don't think it's fair for you to sound offended by that when those are simply consequences for your actions. I'd demand a hell of a lot harsher of a punishment if you'd attacked me.

[ It isn't fair, but he was never supposed to face any kind of consequences is the thing. Let alone look them in eye and see the disappointment in their face. That shit always stung, he'd rather William yelled at him, hit him back, validate Rhys feeling resentful instead of having to focus on his fairly gentle punishment. ]

Sometimes when you have a goal, other people get screwed along the way, that's the cost of business.

[ It comes out more as him telling himself than Claire. Making an enemy out of William just seems so much easier at this point, but it's getting hard to justify the anger. ]

Er- Not that I'd hit you, or anything.

People aren't fodder for collateral damage, Rhys. You're down a dangerous road if you keep thinking like that.

All in all, you're lucky. You could have severely hurt William. Killed him, even. And you got a slap on the wrist. I suggest you find a way to thank William for that, or at least... make it evident to him that you're aware of how much worse it could have been for the both of you.

[Claire's not sure about the method, given William gives her a migraine every time she interacts with him.]

I'd hope you wouldn't attack me. It's why I let you in here. I don't think you're a violent inmate, you just make poor decisions.

[ Rhys thinks on the first part. "A dangerous path" maybe, but there were worse, right? He had no dreams of becoming someone like Jack anymore, a tyrant and a maniac. But after years of modeling himself in Jacks image, maybe some things were just a part of him now. It was just business... it was just business.

His face tightens at the thought of coming back to William dead, that was far from what he wanted, or even an outcome he'd been considering at the time. The plan had morphed and bloated so rapidly that Rhys had just become laser focused on the outcome rather than the actions he was taking along the way.

He lets out a long sigh. ]

Yeah, well. Add it to the list.

What else is on that list, you think?

[He walked into it!]

I know you don't want to be here. You don't think you deserve to be here. I want you to go back home as much as you do, believe me. We all want to go home.

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