returnjourneylogs | (no subject)

Passengers: Theo Crawford and anyone who might want to talk to him, for whatever reason
Location: Solitary
Date: May 5th through the 11th
Summary: Theo has fucked up big time, and is only beginning to pay the price for it
Warnings: Will update when necessary

[Solitary confinement is the worst thing you can do to Theo. Though the cells are much more comfortable than they have any right to be, to leave him cut off from everyone and everything, only to be alone with his own thoughts for an incalculable amount of time. Despite anything he might say to the contrary, he really doesn't like being alone. He had too much of that back home. On the Peregrine, even if he didn't get along with almost anyone here, it was better than never having anyone around at all.

The fact that his planned failed so miserably, and now has to suffer all the consequences that come with it, is unbearable. Theo completely broke down during his attempt, and it was happening all over again as he waited in the cell. He had convinced himself over the last few months, no matter how hard any warden disputed it, that there was no way he would be able to graduate. He couldn't go home. Beyond redemption. His escape attempt was the only faint glimmer of hope he had, and, like everything, he barreled into it without thinking and nosedived. A self-fulfilling prophecy, really. On top of that, losing the chance to live on his own in an amazing place, one where magic wasn't feared or sequestered away.

He spends the first day acting like he often does, like a cornered animal. Pacing in the small space, punching the walls and door. Anyone who tries to approach him gets screamed at to leave him alone, and he refuses to talk further.

After that things go downhill for him, but at least he's quieter. But he's not doing much of anything at all - eating, sleeping, talking. He's never looked great, but he's looking more gaunt and withdrawn than ever. He sits on his bed, knees to his chest, small and frail as ever. By the time the end of port comes, he's been inside six days and he's broken all over again, but it's different now. Maybe by then someone can get some answers out of him. An explanation. A little compliance. That is, if anyone thinks it's worth trying.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

We've had a couple of people, inmates 'n wardens, who've just disappeared or left. So I wondered if that was it.

[He's too exhausted to get bristly over being teased. You're off the hook this time, Jason.

There's another pause, longer this time.]

Obviously not. It, um. I fucked it up. I-It was just me going for it, so...

[They were supposed to work together. They were all supposed to use their dose on their wardens and go. But it was just him, alone, like usual. Fucking it all up, like usual.]

I guess this is it then. They're never gonna let me out of their sights again.

( Well, he probably would have joined in just to see what happened if he didn't fall into a fucking coma but here they were. Not like he couldn't relate to the whole 'all by myself' cry. It's something he's felt himself several times. )

Play nice for a bit, bro. It's all in the long game.

What long game? I shouldn't even be here! At all! And I don't understand why I am. I-I've told 'em time and again that there has to be some mistake, I shouldn't be here--

[His voice cracks. Theo doesn't trust inmates either, but it's different than his mistrust for the wardens. Inmates were islands to themselves, watching their own backs. He wanted to think they were in this together, as much as they all fought and bickered, but if anything, this event showed Theo how naive it was to hope that would be the case.

He takes a moment to pull himself together.]

You shoulda seen this port, Jason. Bhujerba. It was unbelievable.

The one where you get the fuck outta here, dumbass. You want them to trust you, right? ( Theo wasn't exactly wrong with his theory. Especially in a place like this? Yeah, inmates were all in it for themselves. Jason himself was upfront about that. People always had their own MO. But the more Theo went on, the more he got to thinking that the guy's problem is a lot deeper than just the desire to break free.

He thinks of commenting on it, but maybe... not the right time. Besides, new topic already on the way. ) Oh yeah? Tell me about it.

[He had to change the subject so he didn't lose his cool entirely. But maybe changing it to the place he's currently missing out on wasn't the best choice.]

If they're still going there, you should just go. It's... There's so much. All kinds of people. Not human people. It's a port city so there's all kinds of things to buy. And there's magic. Just, out in the open. Selling enchanted items. We were gonna--

[He and his warden were going to go on a bounty hunting trip. Like adventurers in a fantasy novel.

There's a frustrated sigh.]

Anyway. You should go.

( Jason's quiet for a second before he lets out a sigh. Yeah, he knew that kind of attitude. A hand ran its way through his hair as he slowly clamored to his feet. Magic's not his thing. Made him feel smaller than he already did. He was just a human. Nothing less. Nothing more. )

You push people away, huh?

Huh? N-No, it's--

[There's a pause. Theo's not the most articulate person, emotions usually running away with his words. In this current state, this is worse than ever.

Maybe it's just the fact that he's on the other side of this door totally unravelling, and it's simultaneously both a relief that anyone came by, and embarrassing for anyone to listen to him like this.]

I'm just... I don't-- know.

Yeah. ( It's quiet enough that Theo might barely be able to hear it. He breathes and thinks for a moment. Reminds him of the kinds of people he wanted to help, really. The ones that were down and out. Though he didn't know much about Theo's past. Guess that was for later. Jason continues, a bit louder: ) thought as much.

( A beat. ) It's fine, dude. I'm gonna go, but I'll be seein' ya.

[He'd been in here so long, and the fact that Jason hadn't been here to chew him out like his only other visitors over the last few days meant a lot. And within just a few minutes, Theo managed to scare him off. He'll be let out by tomorrow, but he doesn't know that yet.

As Jason walks off, he can probably just make out Theo's response.]

Come back. At some point. Not sure how long I'll be here.

( He's going, yanno... not because he's actually been chased off but. He can feel himself about to get "observant" -- which can sometimes be confused with mean -- and maybe that's what Theo needs but he figures not right now. Jason gets it though, the impulses to self-destruct and push people away. Really well. Shit to talk about some other time.

He'll stop for a second just to ask: ) you need anything? I can hit your warden up, see if he wouldn't mind me tossing something your way.

Oh. No, uh, don't do that. He's who I hit first, y'know?

[Between that, and that Viktor had gone out of his way to buy something for Theo at port, he's done asking for anything from any wardens.]