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Passengers: Theo Crawford and anyone who might want to talk to him, for whatever reason
Location: Solitary
Date: May 5th through the 11th
Summary: Theo has fucked up big time, and is only beginning to pay the price for it
Warnings: Will update when necessary

[Solitary confinement is the worst thing you can do to Theo. Though the cells are much more comfortable than they have any right to be, to leave him cut off from everyone and everything, only to be alone with his own thoughts for an incalculable amount of time. Despite anything he might say to the contrary, he really doesn't like being alone. He had too much of that back home. On the Peregrine, even if he didn't get along with almost anyone here, it was better than never having anyone around at all.

The fact that his planned failed so miserably, and now has to suffer all the consequences that come with it, is unbearable. Theo completely broke down during his attempt, and it was happening all over again as he waited in the cell. He had convinced himself over the last few months, no matter how hard any warden disputed it, that there was no way he would be able to graduate. He couldn't go home. Beyond redemption. His escape attempt was the only faint glimmer of hope he had, and, like everything, he barreled into it without thinking and nosedived. A self-fulfilling prophecy, really. On top of that, losing the chance to live on his own in an amazing place, one where magic wasn't feared or sequestered away.

He spends the first day acting like he often does, like a cornered animal. Pacing in the small space, punching the walls and door. Anyone who tries to approach him gets screamed at to leave him alone, and he refuses to talk further.

After that things go downhill for him, but at least he's quieter. But he's not doing much of anything at all - eating, sleeping, talking. He's never looked great, but he's looking more gaunt and withdrawn than ever. He sits on his bed, knees to his chest, small and frail as ever. By the time the end of port comes, he's been inside six days and he's broken all over again, but it's different now. Maybe by then someone can get some answers out of him. An explanation. A little compliance. That is, if anyone thinks it's worth trying.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ It's the last day of port by the time Lucifer drops in on Theo. Mostly, this is because he knows the boy's moods well enough by now to know that the first couple of days, it'll be pointless to try and talk to him. He needs time, for the anger to dissipate, or rather turn back on himself. Lucifer can't say he enjoys knowing this - that he has to wait until Theo is low - but needs must, and all that.

He looks solemn when he finally enters, his eyes sad and concerned as he looks at the lad. This isn't the first broken soul Lucifer has intruded on to try and help - but despite his high body count, he finds Theo more relatable than most. ]

I blame myself, really.

[When Lucifer enters, Theo had actually managed to get just a bit of sleep. Still balled up in the corner of the bed, leaned against the wall, but sleep nonetheless.

He'd been expecting at least one warden, especially one of the ones he'd personally victimized in this situation, to come in with anger. What continues to startle him is the disappointment, the sadness, the sympathy. Deep down, it angers him, but it's mostly because he just can't understand it.

He doesn't move from his spot, just furrows his brow when Lucifer finally speaks up. His voice is hoarse, tired.]

... What?

[ Lucifer's casual stance belies the seriousness on his face, in his whole look at Theo. ]

I blew up at you. Threw up my hands and became one more person who didn't think you were worth the time and effort. That's what you think, right?

[Theo's face falls to shock immediately, because yes, that's exactly it. Of course, he didn't think of it that way, but subconsciously it absolutely was. The surprise on his face mostly likely hints to this revelation.

For a moment, as he tries to form a sentence, his breath hitches his chest. Being pushed aside or abandoned always hurts him so much, but he's too deep in his own head to ever realize that maybe, sometimes, he is part of the problem.

Yet.]

I... could have killed several wardens. I plotted an escape for months. I've broke shit, stolen things, started fights. So. Yeah. That's what I thought. You're hardly the first to do it.

I know. You do bad things because it's better that people have good reason for abandoning you, rather than just - you not being lovable, somehow. Saves you the trouble of ever getting invested, too. You're exactly what people expect from the evil angry teenage boy, and that's that.

[ He crosses his arms over his chest. ]

Except, I haven't given up on you. And I'm not planning to, no matter how many times to try to kill a bunch of wardens and escape.

[Still unable to come up with a sound argument against this, Theo is quiet. He's in the corner in his usual defensive pose, and for a moment he hides his face behind his knees as he tries to keep it together. It's been a very, very tough week.

When he looks at Lucifer again, his eyes don't have that usual fire behind them. He's out of anger at the moment. Out of everything.]

Why. Why would you put forth so much effort for me? Why would anyone, but-- especially, you?

Because I'm not evil, and neither are you. No one is.

[ Simple as that. ]

Don't get me wrong, you've done evil things - but you can come back from it.

[He shakes his head slowly, lightly.]

Doesn't feel like it. Doesn't ever. Only gets worse. Each day I'm still here, it gets worse. And I blew my only chance to get away from it.

[As if running away had ever solved his problems before. But this time, it truly felt like if he could get out of the Peregrine, he could stop being confronted with what he's done all day and night.]

What's worse about it? In what specific ways is being here now worse than when you first arrived?

[ These questions aren't accusatory, or sarcastic. Lucifer is asking him because he wants to know the answer. He wants Theo to actually think about his time here so far. ]

If we can figure out how it's getting worse, then we can probably find ways to make it better, yeah?

[Lucifer might not mean to make those questions sound accusatory, but they come off that way to Theo. That might be the fault of a guilty conscious.

He shakes his head again, a little more strongly this time.]

That I'm here at all, that-- That I was brought back from death a-and forced to just-- think about this all the time. This whole insane situation.

[He's being intentionally vague. He doesn't want to be specific, but he knows he doesn't have to be.]

You can't turn it off. I can't. No one can. What's the point of just making me--

[He cuts himself off just in time before the words "feel guilty". No. Never. He is not guilty.]

Right.

[ He's getting closer. Lucifer sighs, shakes his head. He's all sympathy, though. ]

Even if you could escape this ship, it's not a physical prison that's holding you like this. Even if you got free and clear of this place, it wouldn't matter, because you've imprisoned yourself.

[If Theo could tighten any further into his corner, he would. He lets out a mirthless, singular laugh at that comment, if only because of how cliched that sounded. Cliched, but correct.]

They could have just-- not. They could have left me. Just fixed what I did. They have the power to do all this, then they have the power to do that too. Why bring me in to this a-at all. This isn't living, this is--

[His breath hitches, and he shakes his head.]

Unlife. A walking corpse. I guess that's poetic justice.

I know that focusing on the Admiralty and the Navarch is easier - trying to put the responsibility for things on others is always easier than admitting our own culpability - but again, you feel that way because of what you did.

And you can change, if you're willing to try. To put in the work. To make better choices.

I-If I-- [Theo hides his face behind his arms and knees, his voice muffled and distant.]

If. If I renounce my actions then those people died for nothing.

Whether you renounce your actions or not won't change anything for the people you killed. You can't undo what you did. They're dead, because of you, and that's not going to change, regardless of your justifications or deflections. But you can acknowledge it, and put in the work to be better.

[Something one of the visiting wardens from the Feather told him haunts Theo, and it comes to mind now: Redemption isn't something you can half ass. You don't do it once and then it's done; even after you graduate, it's something you'll work at your entire life.

It's only been six months and the guilt was crushing him every day. How can he live the rest of his life like this? How could anyone else stand to even look at him, let alone want to help him?

It's all too much, and for a long moment, he doesn't know what to say. Eventually, his eyes peek out again, dark and worn.]

It's never going to be better. It's never going to be good. It's just-- it's always just going to be there. Always.

(no subject)

wildly backdated let's see where this goes.

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