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Passengers: Theo Crawford and anyone who might want to talk to him, for whatever reason
Location: Solitary
Date: May 5th through the 11th
Summary: Theo has fucked up big time, and is only beginning to pay the price for it
Warnings: Will update when necessary

[Solitary confinement is the worst thing you can do to Theo. Though the cells are much more comfortable than they have any right to be, to leave him cut off from everyone and everything, only to be alone with his own thoughts for an incalculable amount of time. Despite anything he might say to the contrary, he really doesn't like being alone. He had too much of that back home. On the Peregrine, even if he didn't get along with almost anyone here, it was better than never having anyone around at all.

The fact that his planned failed so miserably, and now has to suffer all the consequences that come with it, is unbearable. Theo completely broke down during his attempt, and it was happening all over again as he waited in the cell. He had convinced himself over the last few months, no matter how hard any warden disputed it, that there was no way he would be able to graduate. He couldn't go home. Beyond redemption. His escape attempt was the only faint glimmer of hope he had, and, like everything, he barreled into it without thinking and nosedived. A self-fulfilling prophecy, really. On top of that, losing the chance to live on his own in an amazing place, one where magic wasn't feared or sequestered away.

He spends the first day acting like he often does, like a cornered animal. Pacing in the small space, punching the walls and door. Anyone who tries to approach him gets screamed at to leave him alone, and he refuses to talk further.

After that things go downhill for him, but at least he's quieter. But he's not doing much of anything at all - eating, sleeping, talking. He's never looked great, but he's looking more gaunt and withdrawn than ever. He sits on his bed, knees to his chest, small and frail as ever. By the time the end of port comes, he's been inside six days and he's broken all over again, but it's different now. Maybe by then someone can get some answers out of him. An explanation. A little compliance. That is, if anyone thinks it's worth trying.]

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[In typical fashion, he turns away, unable to stand her looking at him. He'd melt into the wall if he could.]

I didn't want help. I wanted to get out of here. I wanted-- I wanted to stay in that place.

[Spoken in past tense. Bhujerba is forever out of his grasp now. But not just that. I didn't want help was also past tense.]

I don't-- [He swallows, words getting caught in his throat. Swallowing down emotion that he doesn't want sneaking out.] I don't understand. I can't understand why me being here matters at all to any of you.

Edited (gotta love phone tags) 2022-05-14 23:03 (UTC)

I'd like to believe that any of the wardens here, if given the opportunity, would save a life. Even without reward. No one here wants you to be miserable, Theo.

[Even Loki still wants to try with Theo, after all this.]

You have to give us the benefit of the doubt.

[He's quiet for a moment, wrapping an arm over his head, as if he could somehow curl up any tighter. Otherwise, only his eyes move to finally look at the warden.]

Do you know why I'm here? On the Peregrine. What my crime was.

[William knew. Loki now, too. If somehow they didn't all know by now, he'd be shocked.]

[Claire shakes her head, leaning a shoulder on the nearest wall.]

Tell me.

[He keeps his eyes on her as he explains, wanting to know how she was going to take it. His voice stays quiet, detached.]

I'm responsible for the deaths of almost a thousand people. A handful I personally killed, the rest were intentional collateral damage. I also raised the dead, a countless amount. Used them as weapons. Tools.

[He stops to rub his pounding forehead, squeezing his eyes shut.]

I did it all to spite one person. I'm sure it worked. I got what I wanted. Now I'm here, being told I can be fixed? That I should be sorry? What a fucking joke.

[This lacks his usual hostility, it's all spoken with thorough exhaustion. He's out of emotions to spare.]

[Sometimes, it's difficult to imagine some of the crimes done here. It's hard for Claire to envision the young man before her at the fault for that many deaths. Hard to imagine that many gone, but that's just a limitation of the human mind: even in the war, when she'd seen the bodies lined up outside her medical tent, when she'd hear the reports and final totals of dead, she couldn't wrap her head around it.

It's a similar feeling, now. So her face remains relaxed, save for a crease between her brows as she tries to grasp the gravity of what he's telling her. Especially that last bit, though that's a little easier thanks to Bree dragging her off to see Night of the Living Dead.]

What did that person do to you?

[A very important question, first of all.]

[That's a question that finally puts some emotion back in his voice, some spiteful energy creeping in.]

He-- They-- [How to start? Where?] ... I was through with being ignored. Being told I wasn't worth his or anyone's time. So I learned in my own. With his materials, the ones he had so proudly stolen first. And I wanted to show him what I could do. That I was capable of far more than he could ever hope for. Him, and every last mage in the city.

[It's vague, but he doesn't want to get too much into specifics. Not yet. It's still too raw.]

[She wonders how William reacted to that. She's still catching up, frown on her face.]

And all that got you killed. Got you here.

Yeah. The feds found me. Probably thanks to the guild mages. Still got the drop on 'em all though. Managed to set up spells so good weeks ahead of time that they never had a clue.

[Theo smiles mirthlessly. He then holds up one thin arm in demonstration of his next point. He's gained a bit of weight since arriving, but he has a very long way to go yet.]

If they hadn't gotten me, the spells would of anyway. The Admiralty apparently can remove a bullet from my skull, but couldn't have been bothered to fix what casting took outta me.

[Or maybe they saw it as his problem to fix, a good reminder of the costs of magic. He drops his arm.]

Anyway. So here I am. Now I'm your problem.

[A plural you, a problem for all the wardens. He's sure being doing a good job with that these last several months.]

[Claire shifts a touch, trying to sort out her feelings. The inmates are here because of their crimes. Of course, the crimes do range from horrific to cruel, but--]

You could have killed Viktor with that plant. Loki is one of the more understanding and experienced wardens, here. These are the people that want to help you. They want to figure out what they can do to help you. And I suppose you feel no remorse about hurting them, do you?

[Most conversations Theo had with Viktor would get tense, but were they not warden and inmate, they might have gotten along. Theo actually got along with Loki, probably the warden he's spoken with the most, next to Alice and William.

Unsurprisingly, he deflects, turning it back on them.]

They are wardens, and I'm a prisoner. They were just-- i-in the way. I wanted out of here, what about that is so hard to under--

[No, he can't. He closes his eyes again, hand over his mouth, taking a stuttering breath.]

I can't do this.

I understand you want out. Of course you do. None of us want to be here forever, Theo. But to get out, you need to put in the work. No running. No fighting.

[No nearly killing poor Viktor. Jesus Christ.]

Please. Stop being so stubborn. You have made incredible, catastrophic mistakes in the past. Let that be the past and do better here.

How can you say that?!

[A final thread has been broken. He doesn't get up from the bed, but he leans forward, intense with the last bit of energy he can summon.]

Leave it in the past?! It's always gonna be there! Even if I never go back there, it'll follow me around until the day I die. I think about it all the time, I fucking dream about it! And you all seem to think I can just... That I can...

[He realizes how badly he's shaking, and trails off. He falls back against the wall, hands over his face. He's grief-stricken, ashamed, confused.]

We all have ghosts that haunt us.

[It must be so tiring, so be so angry all the time. Claire pushes herself off the wall to sit beside him. Still space between them, as she doesn't want to get too close, but she's not simply observing from a distance.]

You carry it with you. Make up for all the hurt you've done by... helping. Being a balm rather than a knife. Theo, you're not stupid. I can see that. You could do good for people in ways I probably can't even imagine.

[Slowly, he lowers his hands. His eyes are watery, but there aren't any tears.]

Do you really believe that?

[It's not a mocking question - he wants to know.]

Do you actually think that. Would you say that if you weren't a warden?

I do.

[Whether she herself is a warden or not doesn't really change that opinion. Of course, should Black Jack Randall appear in this place this whole mindset of hers would go right out the fucking window, but as it stands? She does believe it.]

I imagine Loki will talk to you soon enough, but once you're out of here, I want you to help me find a way to make that plant useful.

[He's been spending a lot of time thinking about what he's going to say to Loki and Viktor. He still hasn't figured it out.

That suggestion, though, gets a furrowed brow from him. Several points here.]

You... want me to help. And you think that thing would be useful otherwise?

[She nods.]

You figured out what it could do. And if it can be used as a sort of... Sleep aid, or something useful if technology fails us, we should learn that.

[He pulls his knees up to his chest again, holding them close, resting his chin on them.]

Mm. Mostly by accident, though. Taught me to stop forgettin' my gloves, if nothing else.

Does it matter, though? Doubt that the wardens'll agree to me doing... anything, from here on in. Besides more mopping.

I'll agree to it. Loki, too. You'll be supervised by me, of course.

[And she'll maybe have someone else hang around. She's a warden, but ultimately just a human woman in her fifties. Not difficult to take down.]

[He's quiet for a moment, tucking all but his eyes behind his knees, thinking.

Solitary has been very bad for him. Being left alone, ignored, with nothing but his thoughts and his failures is pretty much the worst thing you could do to him. Even still, it could have been so much worse. They could just leave him in here forever. They could just continue to pretend he doesn't exist in here, but they're not.

After a minute or two of consideration, he finally looks back at Claire again, and gives her a light nod.]

Okay.

You harmed people I care about. That won't be forgotten, but I doubt they would want this to be the end for you. You'll behave as we work together. Understood?

[Just to drive that point home.]

[He winces slightly, but nods.]

Yeah.

Everyone here wants to help you. Don't forget that.

[She stands, arms crossed at her middle. She's said what she's wanted to, and she doesn't see the point in beating a dead horse. It's clear he knows he fucked up.]

I doubt you'll be in here too long. We'll start once you're out.

O...kay.

[He trails off when Claire gets up, looking like she's about to leave. He can't help but look a little desperate as he tries to come up with something to say, some other question or complaint in order to get her to stick around longer, but comes up short. There's only one thing he can think of after a moment or two of false starts.]

You... don't know how much longer, then.

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